Ass You Like It
by Delilah Wigglesworth
Summary: It's Christmas eve in the SimonAckerman household, and things of planetary proportions most definitely are stirring...


**A/N:** A little bit out of season... I wrote this at Christmas, and think I may have shown it to Lolly... in fact, I might have written it _because _of Lolly...

Okay, well, I found it, and seeing as I haven't updated my story in YEARS, and I'm going on a MAJOR guilt trip, I thought I owed you guys a whole lot more.

So I figured I _wouldn't_ save this for Christmas (what the heck, I could always post a sequel...laughs maliciouslyat screams of protest) and instead I'm posting it now, in English. Because this is always giving me a huge high after receiving some of my exam results (eeeeurgh)

I hope you enjoy! This is completely nutso, but that's just who I am cheesy grin and big wink

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"Dude…"

"Tell me about it."

"Dude…"

"Uh huh."

"_Dude_…"

"Yeah, I know."

"DUDE…"

"Okay, Cee! I get it!"

"But…seriously! That is one HUGE piece of a-"

"I know, okay? I know. Think we can get it _out_ of my fireplace before the rents get back?"

"Why would you want to? Think of it as extra house warming." CeeCee pointed to the fireplace. "That giant ass is stopping heat from escaping, and cold drafts from entering." She gave the giant red ass an affectionate pat. "You should be thanking this fine piece of genetic engineering."

"It's genius alright."

"Yup. Pure genius. Man, and feel how soft it is! Like suede…" CeeCee absently ran her hand over the soft red material, stretched perilously taught across the grand expanse of rump.

In the Christmas tree's lights, the two ginormous globes looked even rounder and bigger, like two inflatable beach balls cushioned snugly in a tightly-fitting red sack.

CeeCee and Suze continued to stare in awe at the ass.

"Ho…" A strained voice came from the chimney's large tower. Suze and CeeCee glanced up at where the voice seemed to originate from.

"Did that ass just call me a…"

"How rude!"

"I'm gonna kick that ass's…ass?"

A faint blue twinkling came from the corner of Suze's sitting room, and a gorgeous ghost was magically transported into the room, his teeth gleaming, hair shining, and muscles glistening as Jesse rubbed massage oil onto his skin.

"Suze, honey, hurry up! It's getting chilly up there and you haven't given me my massage yet!" Jesse's voice was high with petulance and he glanced up at his girlfriend with a pout on his irresistible lips.

Yum-_my_.

Jesse screamed when he saw CeeCee and the huge red ass peeking out from underneath the mantle of the fireplace.

"Suze! It's _hideous_! Put it away! What _is_ it? Oh, _querida_, where do you pick up these things?" He flexed his muscles. "Come, massage me and you shall forget all your worries. See how I gleam?"

Suze hissed as a beam of light reflected off Jesse's glossy bicep and directly into her eyes.

"Sus_annah_! _Hur_-ry!" With another dramatic swirling of blue sparkles, Jesse was gone.

Suze swooned. "He is just so hot…" she murmured.

"Who?" CeeCee glanced around. "That ass? Well…sure. If you're into that'my ass could run its own country' kinda thing. I'm certainly not. No, give me Adam _any day_. Trust me when I say that boy is _all _ass. Ya know what I'm sayin', sistah? Mm-hmm."

Just then, suddenly, all of a sudden, the front door burst open, really quite suddenly.

"Suze, quick, leap into my iron-hard arms and let me have my wicked way with you." Paul's cape fluttered in the winter blizzard, choking him softly as the strong winds blew and blew and blew.

CeeCee gasped and Suze swooned, reaching out a hand to steady herself before quickly withdrawing it in disgust as it landed on the giant ass.

"Paul, no. I love Jesse."

CeeCee shrieked with barely contained excitement. "Take Paul, Suze! He's hot – and he has money!"

"I also have a sleigh, equipped with 12 professional reindeer."

The girls gasped in amazement. Truly, he was a God…

"How… I mean, where… I mean… Oh, Paul. I'm so confused…Why couldn't you have just pressed up against me, like you always do? Why do you have to do something…_different?_"

Paul smirked. "Cos I'm evil, baby. And as for the sleigh… I, uh, found it. On your roof. Guess what? Some moron left a whole sack of presents in it too! And he left the keys in the ignition!" Paul giggled, then realised his un-manly mistake and grabbed Suze, kissing her like he's always kissed her before, yet somehow differently at the same time... It was _magnificent_.

And so she melted. Literally.

"Aw, dammit," moaned Paul. "Not again…" He left with a sigh, leaving CeeCee alone with the giant ass.

She sat on the floor and crossed her legs, contemplating the huge buttocks. "Oh woe is me," she cried.

All of a sudden, just then, suddenly, the front door burst open again, truly honestly _deeply_ suddenly, and Adam charged in with a fiery glint in his eye thatclashed with his fuscia Hawaiian shirt.

"CeeCee, I know I'm a dork, a geek, a loser, and, let's face it; the teensiest bit camp, but…but…_I love you_!"

CeeCee rose, mouth agape.

"CeeCee!" Adam cried. "Please, say something, my little Albino doll!"

"Um, Adam…"

"What?"

"You have…toilet paper on your shoe."

There was an awkward silence. Adam removed the toilet paper.

Suddenly, just then, all of a sudden, I mean _really_ suddenly, he caught sight of the giant ass.

"Whoa…" he whispered in awe, "bogus." Then, he turned to CeeCee. "Why is Santa's ass on display in Suze's living room?"

CeeCee shrugged, too transfixed by that fiery glint in Adam's eye to take any notice. "Adam," she murmured, "oh, how your eye glints."

Adam cocked an eyebrow and flashed her a grin. "Thanks. My glass eye is an uber-magnet for babes."

"Oh, Adam."

"Oh, CeeCee."

And they fled, into the snowy night, with toilet paper fluttering from Adam's foot, almost waving goodbye.

Back in the Simon-Ackerman household, where nothing was stirring – not even a mouse – music began to play.

_I like big butts and I cannot lie…_

A low hum, in tune to the music, softly sailed from the fireplace's chimney.

_You other brothers can't deny…_

Sleigh bells jingled in time to the beat.

Gradually, the giant red ass began to move.

At first, it swayed gently.

Then, jiggled.

Until that round, red ass of gigantic proportions was shimmying along with such vigour, the entire chimney was shaking, dust streaming from its erupting cracks.

_Shake it! _

_Shake it! _

_Shake that healthy butt!_


End file.
